03 August 2002

Old Rant

This might look familiar to a few. Slightly edited.

Prozac Popping, Whinging, Pop-Culture Sniffing Dipshits


Holy Shit, You People Are Stupid

Ah, the good old days. Times when I truly believed that peace could be achieved in our time, the wanton destruction of the rainforests would cease, and everyone could live together under a rainbow's arc of happy multi-ethnicity.

My family and my friends I will gladly give my kidneys, nay, my life. The rest of humanity at large can fuck off and die. If the four horsemen of the apocalypse should come pounding out of the yellowed pages of my Catholic upbringing, I will swing myself up behind the nearest one and gleefully help humanity come to its nasty little end.

What, you might ask, caused a budding neo-hippie to transform into a misanthropic, snarling bitch?

You ever worked tourism?

With the entrance door open, I can hear the approach of two English speakers jabbering away, maybe about how rude the Parisians are. Upon their LL Bean/ J Crew sponsored entrance into my workplace, I smile and say in my mother tongue American-English,

"Hi, can I help you?"


After the 6 millionth occurrence of the above scenario, I begin to believe the old adage " Gone on vacation, but forgot to pack the brain." Ah well, foreign country, jetlag, different culture, etc. Then I go back to the motherland for a brief visit.

"Coffee is hot; may cause burns...."

"Plastic bag may cause suffocation if placed over head; do not give to small children...."

"Curling iron may cause burns; do not place directly against skin....."

And a revelation hits me like a load of cum across an unsuspecting virgin's face:

You people have your heads shoved so far up your asses, you could lick your colons clean.

With your heads shoved this far up your arses, you can only see said colons, hence your observational skills are shit. Without observation, logical thinking skills are non-existent; therefore, you have no common sense. None. Not one jot, tittle, or iota. Zilch. Blessed with only a panoramic view of your colon, well, it stands to reason that you have to be told everything.

"How do I get to the Coliseum?"

I have just handed you a city map with a nice large "you-are-here" dot and all major monuments, streets, metro & bus lines clearly marked. But, with only your colon before your eyes, of course I have to read the map for you. You need to take a right into oncoming traffic...

"What should I see/do?"

This you ask me with a 200 page guidebook dangling from your hand, one that I know contains detailed information on history, monuments, museums, and points of interest. But, hey, it's a bit difficult to read when one has their head crammed up their arse. Let me waste my valuable time planning your itinerary for you. Start by taking a long walk off the short bridge.....

"Where should I eat?"

Five minutes ago, I heard you whine, "Well, it's not like that in (insert country of origin here)," causing me to wish that you would return there soon. Preferably in very small pieces. Well, of course I'll tell you my favorite hole in the wall. Because in my time off, enjoying my preferred place to eat spaghetti alle vongole, I just love hearing you ask the waiter very loudly, very slowly "WHAT...DO...YOU....MEAN...YOU....DON'T....TAKE....DINER'S....CLUB?"

Head-Up-Arse is not a phenomenon solely endemic to tourism.

"What should I wear?" 17 sizzling summer styles on page 45

"What should I listen to?" Eminem is THE most controversial rapper on MTV, very talented....

"What should I see?" Pearl Harbor is really good, plus you learn some history, too...

"I'm depressed. What should I do?" have some Prozac. "But now I have no sex drive." Well, have a side of Viagra to go with that.

"What should I say?" Anything you want. As long as it doesn't offend Joe-Bob or Kal'isha, is approved by Rev. Falwell & God Almighty (TM), & doesn't corrupt my kids because I'm too busy trying to find my g-spot with my weekly Goddess group to actually police my children.

"What should I believe?" Whatever you want. Just make sure that it's sanctioned by your government, a religious leader, and a white-boy-cum-professor ensconced in a cushy leather chair....

I could digress further (and most likely will in the future). Unfortunately, banging my head against the figurative wall won't make you pull your heads out of your asses. Short of a miracle from a divine being I don't believe in, humanity will continue to slither back down the slopes of evolution.

"Oh yeah?" you sneer. "And what will your self-righteous ass be doing in the meantime?"


Continue not propagating the species and find a nice deserted island to buy where I can continue watching and laughing at the devolution of the species from a safe distance.

PS- Predictable Responses

"You're going to hell!!!"

If hell exists, I plan on ruling. Satan is a pussy. Next.

"You’re probably an ugly fat bitch who can't get laid."

As if it matters. But I'll let my vanity answer. I'm 5'1". I weigh 44 kilos (do the math yourself Einstein). My tits are small but perky and my butt looks good in a pair of tight white pants. I don't wear makeup and happen to be fairly decent looking the morning after. No, you can't have a photo. And I can get laid, I'm just currently choosing not to due to lack of acceptable material. Next.

"I pray for your soul."

Could you pray that I win the lottery instead?

"I like grrrls like you. Please can I have a photo"

Use the word "grrrl" and I'll rip your jugular out with my teeth. Same goes for the word "cute" No photo. Are you dense? Next.

"A bitch like you shouldn't work in tourism."

I wear a variety of hats at my current job. And when I start my own venture, I will hire underlings to smile and interact with the morons at large. I know my strengths and wearing a shit eating customer service grin ain't one of them. Next.

"Why do you live in Italy?"

My life story will shortly be tattooed on my forehead. No, you can't have a photo. Next.

"Do you enjoy being a bitch?"

Yes, I do. Any other fascinating comments? Keep them to yourself.


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