19 August 2002

Pithy Observations on Life

  • There is no finer experience than good food, good wine, and better friends.
  • Family and friends I will kill for, if neccessary. The rest exist either for my monetary gain or my entertainment. 
  • You don't ever want to become my enemy. Trust me on ths one. Fuck with me or (especially) mine, and you will pray for death.
  • Quality is not determined by quantity. One cafe macchiato (espresso) here is worth 3 pitchers of Denny's 99 cent free refills.
  • A five dollar outfit bought at the market can outdo a Dolce and Gabanna outfit with the right attitude.
  • Heels and cobblestones can live in harmony together.
  • Heels and cobblestones and alcohol cannot live in complete harmony together. Wary peace is the best you're gonna get.
  • If you hardly ever wear makeup, people don't recognise you when you put on mascara and lipstick.
  • If it's not fresh, it's crap. Also, when in Rome, eat fish on Tuesdays and Fridays, gnocchi on Thursdays, and never order the lasagna.
  • Roma's buildings and monuments are good for putting things into perspective.
  • If you're looking for tact, Italy is the wrong country for you. Passing acquaintances think nothing of loudly noting the huge zit on your nose or the 10 pounds you've gained/lost or the mere fact that you look like hell today.
  • Washing the stovetop coffee maker with soap and water is a sin punishable in the ninth level of Hell. Water and water only.
  • After you finish one ravioli, do not forget to flour the little bastard before putting it on a plate to await the boiling. Repeat this step for all your handmade ravioli, otherwise you will end up with one gigantic, multi pocketed raviolo.
  • While the calcium in the water here is great for strong hair and teeth, your hot water heater does not appreciate this and will eventually show its displeasure, usually when you are showering in the middle of winter.
  • Central Heating and Air-Conditioning is not a universal constant. Neither are fans and direct water sources.
  • If the handyman says it will take a week to finish, it means 3 months. Stressing and freaking out on the handyman will not do a damn bit of good. Money and/or threats of litigation might help a bit. Threats of a visit from the financial police probably more so. But it's better for all concerned if you just wait for the three months, unless it's an emergency type situation.
  • You don't want to get sick in August. All of the regular doctors are on holidays and the staff manning the hospitals are the newbies fresh from grad school. If you happen to come down with appendicitis in August, you will most likely go home with a scar that looks like you had your kidneys taken out from the front.
  • Do not attempt to replace your smoking habit with chewing gum. You will just end up hating chewing gum.
  • A single female can never have enough batteries.

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