16 August 2002

Sunday 12 August - Green Eggs and Spam

The word 'spam' tickles my linguistic funny bone. That and I like the phrase "Spam - the *other* meat substitute"

You really don't want to know exactly why I find that phrase funny. Anywho....

I have an old Hotmail account that's currently good for shit. It was my first email address, and I hold onto it for the mere fact that every once in a while an old acquaintance will email me at that address. Other than that, it's a massive receptacle for spam. Some of which perplex and amuse me with their subject lines or sender names.

is your phone tapped
OH NO! Could it be?! *Gasp* Someone listening in on my conversations? Shit, now the feds are going to know where I hid that stash of drugs, guns, terrorists, porn, and gummi bears. Dude, if my life was ever so interesting as to warrant someone listening in on my infrequent and extremely short phone conversations, I would already have minions and underlings insuring nothing of the sort would occur.

From: Low Cost Divorce
Who the fuck put me in the "married" demographic of the spam lists?

Who else wants a bigger penis?
Honey, I would settle for just about any penis right about now.

Someone is waiting to date you online
I might be horny, but I'm not desperate.

Grow 3-4 inches Satisfaction guaranteed
Woo-hoo! I can finally surpass the 5' 1" barrier without high heels. Wait, what do you mean "for men only".....?

Your Disney vacation awaits
Ooo goody. A trip to an overpriced fairground with tinny music, crappy rides, and thousands of brats and their parents cavorting amongst costumed employees, a couple of which are probably candidates for closet plushies. My own personal version of hell. When do we leave?

Guaranteed Penis Enlargement or your money back
Is this a result of me surfing for nude male porn pics?

Pfffft. If I want to see tits being flashed in exchange for some form of material compensation, I'll go watch the tourists get drunk in Campo dei' Fiori. Hell, I might even be able to cop a feel.

Drop the weight
Aside from the fact that I don't really need this, it was followed by:

Get paid to shop & eat

STOP your hair loss today!
I'm more interested in losing my hair, specifically in the bikini area, with as little pain as possible. So far, I'm in the fat, horny, under-endowed, paranoid, balding and married demographic.

Give your woman multiple orgasms!
Not a problem. That's why god invented dildos and vibrators.

Friend Finder
I wasn't aware I had misplaced them...

Add 3 inches to your private part
Being in possession of a 3 inch clit is a horrifying thought..

And the winner for Most Interesting But I'm Not Sure If I Really Want To Know Spam:

Hot Dogfart Sluts

I am without words for this one.

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