02 July 2004

Insomnia and Teddy Bear Crack

Having not been in a long term relationship (or even a short term relationship) for around three years, I have gotten used to sleeping alone, sprawling across my bed without a second thought to the possibility of a warm body lying next to me.

Sleeping alone is probably one of the nastier Things One Must Readjust to After a Nuclear Relationship Fallout. It certainly didn't help my insomnia at the time. Hugging a pillow did next to nothing. And I'm really going to embarrass myself here, but one of the few things that did help me sleep was my ancient stuffed teddy bear, schlepped over from the States along with some other stuff that had previously been in storage.*

After a couple of weeks of sleeping 2-3 hours a night tops, I was curled foetal style around my teddy bear one night, alternately cursing and sobbing over the insomnia and life in general when a miracle happened. *cue heavenly choir*

I fell asleep.

Unfortunately, I didn't catch up on the previous weeks' sleep deprivation, sleeping only 6 hours that night, but I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. The following night, I tentatively curled myself around the bear, not really believing that I would be so lucky two nights running.

I was. Another almost full night of sweet, sweet sleep.

In the cold light of day, the notion of a 25 year old (at the time) female sleeping wif her snookums widdle teddy-weddy bear is, well, off-putting and absurd. But when counting sheep has seamlessly morphed into skewering sheep onto the pointy picket fence because they suddenly have your ex's face and it's 4-fucking-AM, the hand goes spidering across the darkened bed of its own accord, seeking out that sweet, sweet teddy bear sleep. Hell, it wasn't like I was getting laid and needed to worry what a bed partner might think. Besides, it was only for tonight. Just one more night. And maybe tomorrow, because I'm so damn tired....

I eventually stopped sleeping with the bear, although I couldn't point out an exact time period when my little addiction ended. And every once in a while, when suffering a particularly bad jag of insomnia, the bear is always there, lulling me to sleep with his jointed limbs and half torn ear.

So I've gotten used to sleeping alone, which makes sleeping over at someone's house (or vice versa) an exercise in the Teddy Bear DT's. I don't sleep well, if at all, when someone is lying next to me. The pursuit of sleep becomes an symphony of Toss, Turn, Doze, Wake Up From Some Little Noise, Toss Toss, Turn Turn, Listen to the Other Person Snore/Breathe Heavily, Kick Off The Sheet, Pull It Back Up.....repeat from coda until the cock crows.**

I feel a bit silly, really. I can always get some sleep. I get some nookie very infrequently (by choice admittedly). So in a contest nookie will win over sleep every time. But that stuffed little mental pacifier is enticing in those wee wakeful hours. So very very enticing.

I almost think quitting smoking would be easier.

*Actually it was one of three things. The other two were copious amounts of Jack Daniels and hash.

** Yes, you may take that as a euphemism. Also known as a morning glory.

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