11 August 2005

Sesso e la Città Eternà - Meet the Out-Laws: In Numbers

Family members mercifully missing: his older brother and said brother's daughter

Number of his family members who made marriage related comments: all 4 sisters & his 9 yr old nephew

Times nephew makes reference to fare amore in front of entire family: 3

Family members who disapprove of sleeping arrangements that put us sleeping in the same room: 1 aunt

Family members who would probably videotape us sleeping together: 1 dad*

Family members I swore were glued to my side waiting for SO to either propose or procreate: 1 sister

Family members who told me SO's cock was "bigger than an African's": same sister

Times I ended up looking like a sweat soaked Dynasty extra due to a sister practising their hairstyling skills on me: 1

Times I wish I spoke Arabic: Lost count

Times I was thankful I didn't: see also 'Family arguments'

Family arguments: Lost count

Traditional weddings I saw: 2

Days of being sexually frustrated due to cultural & familial mores**: 9

Kilos gained from his mom & aunt's fantastic cooking: 3

Times I had to force the massive portions of said food down so as not to offend by leaving food on my plate: 24

Number of days that I don't even want to look at food for fear of hurling: the next 30.

Times we had to switch rental cars: 3

Games of UNO played with nephew: 46

Times nephew said he'd be my boyfriend if it weren't for his Uncle: 3 or 4

Times I wanted to slap SO for behaving like a spoilt fratriarch: lost count, but not nearly as frequent as the family arguments

Times we argued: Twice***

All in all, a fun time, though definitely not the most relaxing vacation I've ever had. I don't think meeting your SO's family ever *could* be defined as relaxing, especially while being hit over the head with the proverbial 'Marriage Stick'.

But they are all fantastic (and fantastically nuts), much like my fam. (Thankfully, they don't have an equivalent to our Uncle Neo-Con, who I think my siblings & I would cheerfully soak in petrol & toss down the nearest incinerator.)

* His dad's a perv. Like father like son. He reminds me of Yoda every time he sees/talks about females. Same wide closed lip grin, complete with up-pitched 'Hmmmmmmmm' sounds.

** You read right. No kissing on the streets + not wanting to look like a bloody nympho in front of his fam (especially considering his aunt's disapproval) + hormone build up from PMS = One sexually frustrated bitch.

As my general idea of a relaxing vacation involves copious amounts of sex, our next trip will involve much lube and, if necessary, Viagra.

*** Once caused by me being a sexually frustrated silly twit, the other caused by a friend of his friend's life threatening driving, shrugged off as 'They do it here'. Fantastic. So if they also jump from a skyscraper into an empty swimming pool, does that mean I have to go along for the ride too?

No comments:

Post a Comment