22 April 2012

Of Rocket Pops and Fried Chicken

At diner with Will and Olive last night:

Olive: "When I was 17 I was dating this black guy and I asked my grandmother what I should cook him for dinner."
Me: "Lemme guess: fried chicken and watermelon?"
Will: "Oh lord..."
Olive: "Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and watermelon. He was so offended. 'Why did you cook this? Are you a total racist?' I had no idea about the connotations of fried chicken and watermelon. I just thought it was good food."
Me: "You poor naive little thing. You should have been all 'Oh my lord it didn't even cross my mind, the watermelon just smelled so good and it's in season...'"
Olive: "I was not worldly enough at 17 to put that off. I bawled my eyes out that night."
Me: "True that."
Will: "Did you tell him your grandmother suggested the menu?"
Olive: "Yeah, and so then he was all 'So your grandmother's a racist.' It was horrible."
Me: "You realize this is going on the blog tomorrow, right?"


Olive: "So you might come home to them having peed on your Salvador Dali posters..."
Will: "What?! No! Why would they pee on my posters on the wall?"
Me: "I swear you have some weird ideas about penises, Olive. Just like Mon Amour and other guys have weird ideas about vag."
Will: "Like what?"
Me: "Apparently some guys think that we'll shove anything remotely phallic up there, because that's what they would apparently do if they owned a vagina. ***BZZT!*** Wrong.  It's not a change purse."

Will: "Bwhahahahaha. Ok, so what have you put in there?"
Me: "Er, penises. Vibrators. My fingers. Other people's fingers..."
Will: "That's it? I shoved a candle up my ass when I was a teen...What? I wanted to know how it felt. What else have you put up there?"
Olive: "A Popsicle."
Will: "Really?"
Me: "That must have been cold. And the sugar could have given you a yeast infection."
Olive: "Shut up, Mom. And it melted pretty quick."
Will: "Why would you put a Popsicle in your vag, I don't get it."
Olive: "I didn't, someone else did. He wanted to see what it would taste like."
Will: "The Popsicle?!"
Olive: "Yes, that as well as everything else he was eating that night."
Will: "Ew." (I am in hysterics at Will's face at this point)
Olive: "It was a Rocket Pop. You know, the ones that are red white and.."
Will: "Blue. Yes I know."
Me: "Don't they have bubble gum in the tip?"
Will: "And are flared at the base, yes, yes I get it."
Olive and I are in tears at Will's look of revolted horror. It is entirely too much fun to gross out Will with TMI on lady bits.

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