Or How My Vibrator is Ruining My Sex Life
So my best girl friend and I were sweltering in the corner of a friend's bar last night sipping our Vodka Red Bulls when the conversation turned to sex.
All right, so it didn't "turn" to sex, it started out that way. But i digress...
We were discussing a veritable range of sexual topics under the cover of the music, like how we didn't bleed when we lost our virginity, my reaction to my first uncut schlong, whether Italian boys really are gifted in *that* area or if I'd just been lucky, yadda yadda yadda.
And eventually we got to talking about our respective last hookups. At which point I bemoaned the fact that I'm back on the Battery Bandwagon and teased her that i was going to buy her a vibrator for her birthday. Amid vehement cries of "No way. What the hell would I tell everyone when they asked me what I got?" she stopped me dead cold with
"Besides, it brings bad luck."
Apparently, my grand love affair with the Energizer Bunny and little side flings with Duracell Coppertops is jinxing my sex life. My 11 month run of no nookie was caused by a Vibrator Evil Eye.
I sniggered for a bit, until I realized that I haven't been riding the Plastic Pony for at least a couple of months as I was getting bored with my vibrator. (Yes you read that correctly. There is only so much one can safely do when using a jiggling battery powered phallus in the pursuit of onanistic orgasms for 11 fucking months).
My girl friend just grinned smugly. "See? It brings bad luck. You stopped using it and you finally got laid properly."
Now, I have my vaguely superstitious moments. While i realise that the prolonged lack of sex with another human being is more likely due to my extreme pickiness, there's that niggling little voice of irrationality suggesting that maybe, just maybe it's all the vibrator's fault!
Nah. Not possible. My sex life did not get hexed by a silver, bullet shaped instrument of self pleasure.
Fine. In the interest of scientific proof, I will discontinue using The Silver Bullet to prove that there is no correlation between my lack of bed partners and my frequent use of a vibrator.
(That sobbing you hear is the battery industry execs, not me.)