24 March 2011

The Gecko

I have two tattoos; a ying-yang over my hip bone and a garland of flowers & Egyptian eyes as my tramp stamp.

My tramp stamp is a bit higher up that the norm since low rise jeans at the time were still way higher than those around currently, plus I wanted to be able to hide it for dance. Please also note that I was part of the first wave who made tramp stamps ubiquitous. 90's grunge flannel grrrls with unlaced Doc Marten's representing, yo.

While I should actually get them touched up, I've been leaning towards getting a third one instead.

Back in the day, Shithead & Bevecomeunaspugna went on summer hols; I was unable to join as I was waiting for my permesso to be renewed 1 and thus was unable to leave Italy except to head back Stateside. For various reasons, I stayed at Bevecomeunaspugna's house while they were gone. During which time Semprefatto dropped by one evening after work, and living up to the pseudonym, many joints were consumed. At one point I boringly prattled on about what a pain in the ass wedding logistics would be 2,3,4 & he recounted about a gecko on the loose in his house. Next day I got a text from him saying how he hadn't managed to kill it but a randomly falling broom managed the deed in his stead.

Shithead & Bevecomeunaspugna return, and I mentioned that Semprefatto as well as another male friend had dropped by in their absence. No big deal.

That is, no big deal until Shithead found the text on my phone. Apparently a text about a fucking gecko is code for "We shagged until our brains melted out of our ears." Mademosielle, je t'accuse salope!

When I pointed out that another friend had dropped by, the rebuttal was that Semprefatto had apparently in all these long years of friendship never dropped by Bevecomeunaspugna's house for an evening. I was also apparently Semprefatto's "type." And last but not least, if we hadn't engaged in a rousting horizontal round of cornificazione, then we must have slept together in the past during the 3 year period in between My Superb Idiocy in Dating Shithead Parts I & II.

Oh, emotional manipulation. How I really DON'T miss you.

At the time I was distraught. Now I just find it really fucking funny that I was accused of
  • constant jealousy by a Commitmentaphobe stemming from mommy & daddy issues who was indeed cheating on me and
  • cheating with or at the very least shagging one of his best friends.

The irony, it burns.

Others have pointed out that it's a classic misdirection move, accusing the other person of that which you yourself are guilty of. 5 What. Ever. Considering he harped on this theme for years after the fact, right up to and including the breakup period, it sort of makes me wonder if Semprefatto is hung like Rocco Siffredi. 6

So I haven't decided exactly where, as hey, shit starts to sag as one grows older. But my next tattoo, to be procured in the very near future, will be a gecko. To remind myself not to be a fucking doormat for Life to scrape its manure encrusted boots on.7

And also to watch out for falling brooms :)

1 Sisyphus has it easy with the fucking rock up a side of a hill, let me tell you.
2 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA Shit, I think I just gave myself a hernia laughing so hard.
3 To say that I am not one for bride's maid dresses, bouquets, matching place cards & bridal colors is a huge fucking understatement.
5 That hanging preposition is bugging the everliving shit out of me, but I'm having English/Italian brainfarts again.
6 At which point I immediately make that involuntary "URK" sound because that's right up there with "Sexually fantasizing about a sibling" on the Squick Scale. Not my cup of tea, darlings. Edit: To clarify, wondering about Semprefatto's package is not my cup of Squicky Tea. Rocco Siffredi, on the other (masturbating) hand...
7 Stupid hanging preposition *mutter mutter*
8 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA Ja, I know there's no footnote 8 in the above. I just can't stop laughing.


  1. I guess that's what you get from killing a gecko (or allowing a broom for which you are responsible to do the dirty deed). Those sweet little fellas bring good luck, and are very welcome in my house; I have 3 wooden ones on various walls to try to encourage real ones to visit. I would certainly expect waaay bad luck after causing one to expire, even unintentionally.

  2. Hmm, I neglected to mention that the je t'accuse was only ever levelled at me; to this day I don't think Semprefatto has a clue that he was implicated in a supposed tryst with me. Lord knows I never said anything; at the time I didn't want to cause problems between friends.

    So if Semprefatto suffered bad luck resulting from a dead gecko, it manifested itself in another form.

    I've always liked geckos, but I do know a few people who climb up on chairs when they spot one. I can sympathise; I know killing spiders is supposed to be bad luck too, but those little fuckers I will exterminate with extreme prejudice, usually while standing on a chair on the other side of the room, squealing like a stuck pig on fire.