Sesso e la Città Eternà - Jealousy Crisis.

You might say I have jealousy issues. I say mine are not as bad as other people I have known. Take the Rebound Boy Toy for example. He would look on my cell phone to see who I called, who called me, what messages I got or sent yadda yadda yadda. He'd even freak out if I didn't call him the minute I got out of work.

Look, I know I have a huge jealousy streak but at least I try to control it.

It's not that easy to control, though, when one is dating one of Rome's bigger ex-man-whores this side of the Quirinale. And it's not easy to control when he's best friends with what seems like every single chick he's ever fucked and thusly they call a lot.

It's not that easy to control when said ex-man-whore drops comments about big huge commitments like having kids, marriage, or starting a business together but during a discussion about cheating says

I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you, but only that if the opportunity ever came up I'd realise that you'd leave me if I did

to which I automatically append if you ever found out as subtext. The previous half of the argument here being "What about those times where it's uncontrollable or drunk?" and my response is "The thing which distinguishes man from animal is reason, logic & choice."

It's not easy to control when I can think up one million little reasons why he'll probably cheat on me and can't think of the good stuff for all the noxious green fog in my head.

Do I want to marry someone who refuses to categorically say "I won't cheat on you?" No.

Do I want to have kids with that someone? No.

Do I want to start a business or buy a house or a car with that someone? No.

At the same time I say No to all the above scenarios, can I picture us in those scenarios, happy? Yes.

Am I fucked in the head? Yes.

Am I having a bit of a general life crisis right now? Yes.

This bigger question is: do I let these (reasonable and non) fears screw up a good relationship or is it really just not that good of a relationship any ways. Fight or flight?

Dunno. I have this nasty habit of pre-emptive flight, which is just a gussied up way to say I run from potential problems that scare the holy living shit out of me because I can't control them. (Am Huge Control Feak. Huge.)

A control freak with a phobia of commitment is not a pretty mix, folks.

*sigh*

In all likelihood, I am just freaking out because I am so incredibly stressed & really, really unhappy at work. And Curly's moving to Berlin on the 1st, so I lose my "Tell Me if I'm Being a Psycho Bitch" sounding board.

I sorta feel like my gut instinct has been sucker punched with a tire iron somewhere along the way & it's sitting in a corner of some darkened alley, wheezing and doubled over. And in the meantime all the little voices arguing in my head are running amok, knocking over bins & scrawling on the walls.

So if you see my gut instinct somewhere, can you please help it to its feet, maybe dust it off a little and buy it a coffee? I need it to bitchslap a few silly voices in my head.

thanks.